Abuse is abuse, regardless of culture

"Look what you made me do!"

"I had to hit you to teach you a lesson!"

"You're married to me: you have to have sex with me when I say so!"

Has your partner or spouse ever used "cultural differences" to justify their abuse? Basic human rights are the same for everyone, no matter where we're from. No one has the right to abuse you just because they tell you their abusive behaviour is normal for them.

"In my culture, a woman has to do what the man tells her!"

Wrong.

A partnership does not involve one person being the other's servant. 

A partnership does not involve one partner having a higher status than the other.

A partnership does not involve one person forcing the other to have unwanted sex.

No one should be afraid of their partner.

No one "makes" their partner hurt them.

In the early days, when my abusive relationship was still in the "love bombing" stages, there were red flags I should have noticed. But I naively dismissed them. It's hard for me to look back and it's uncomfortable for me to acknowledge how badly I was treated back then. I don't want to think about how easily I accepted things I shouldn't have accepted. I didn't acknowledge at the time that I was vulnerable. I thought I was strong. I had no idea I was vulnerable! I wasn't even looking for "love". I thought I was trying to avoid it. I certainly managed to avoid love, but I didn't avoid ending up being married to a violent, abusive control freak.

To begin with, my ex put on a false persona. We would wash the laundry, by hand, together, as we didn't have a washing machine. We would go shopping together; cook meals together. We tidied up together. We hung out with males and females without me being accused of flirting with them. I could look people in the eyes when I spoke to them. Little did I know that the person I was marrying had absolutely no intention of continuing with any of this, what I had been fooled into thinking was their completely normal, reasonable behaviour. If I could have seen into the future, I would have run a mile. By the time I had been married a year, I was aleady being isolated from friends and family. I was also the only person who did anything. Washing up; cooking; laundry; cleaning; driving; childcare. Shopping. If I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. And if I didn't do it, there would be hell to pay. And sometimes, if I did do it, there would be hell to pay. I couldn't do right for doing wrong.

There were red flags before we married. I should have seen them for what they were, but because the love bombing (the first red flag) was so intense, and because I was in a foreign country, speaking a language I was still learning, with no friends or family I could run things by,  the explanations my ex offered, I cautiously accepted. I had a bad feeling from the start. Why didn't I listen to my intuition?

Intuition is a marvellous thing. It's always right. If you have a bad feeling about someone's behaviour, you must listen to yourself. Don't dismiss it.You do deserve to be loved by someone who treats you as an equal human being. If someone is already making you feel uneasy, it's not going to get better: it's only going to get worse.

I remember one of the first red flags I ended up dismissing- or forgiving.  I can't remember what we were talking about, or what triggered the behaviour, but I remember my ex suddenly grabbing me, hard around my wrists. It hurt! "Hey, don't do that- it hurts!" I remember saying and after being pushed and pushed for an explanation as to why it had upset me so much- explaining why it upset me. As though I needed to explain! What I didn't realise then, was not only was my ex testing my boundaries, but they were also looking for information about me, my insecurities, my past bad experiences- to use against me in the future.

If something feels wrong, it is wrong!

I remember, in the beginning, my ex having intense rages and overreactions to what was nothing to me. I honestly had no idea what I was supposed to have done wrong, to merit these intense outbursts of rage, or long, sulking silences. They were explained away with excuses like "in my culture, it's not appropriate for you to look into someone's eyes". It took me many, many years to be able to look anyone in the eyes when I am talking to them. I still find it difficult. Because it went, over a period of time, from a sulk, or a grump, (early red flags) to me being slapped in the face, to me being punched in the head, to me being picked up, hurled to the ground and repeatedly kicked and punched. For having eye contact with another human being. That's right: any other person who wasn't my ex.

Cultural differences are never, ever an excuse for your partner to abuse you.

You have the right to feel safe with your own partner, the person who tells you that they love you. Or who told you that once. 

Culture shouldn't make you afraid. It shouldn't stop you from having friends. Culture does not have the right to hurt you, emotionally, physically or psychologically. Culture should not isolate you from friends and family. It shouldn't humiliate you. My ex did all of these things to me and blamed "culture". When blaming "culture" ceased to be an effective way of gaining control, my ex blamed me.

 

-If someone you barely know is telling you that you're the most amazing person they have ever met:

they're love bombing you.

-If someone you barely know is telling you that they are in love with you:

they're love bombing you.

-If someone you barely know is telling you that they can't live without you:

they're love bombing you.

 

Don't fall for their lies.